3 Simple Romantic Gestures: Relationship Advice

Have fun jump starting your romantic relationship by dedicating some alone time with your partner or spouse.  At the risk of being repetitive I believe the idea of “dating” your spouse deserves props!  After all it’s not a blind date, you know you’ll be attracted and there’s no waiting for your date to show up.  The best part?  If done right, it’s free and no in-laws necessary!

How To Stop This Economy From Hurting Your Marriage

Understand your money style.  Money styles can clash and create conflicts in your marriage.  Take some time to figure out how each of you view money.  Dr. Ken Doyle,  Psychologist and Financial Planner (University of Minnesota) wrote a study I found interesting.  Here’s what I took away from it:

2 Easy Ways To Improve Your Marriage Relationship

Be sensitive to your spouses’ needs.  Don’t fall into the trap of hearing what you think he or she is saying.  Take the time to really listen.  Have an open heart and you will understand what your spouse needs from you. 

Don't Be A Louse - Miss Your Spouse!

     Ever wonder what your husband is doing while you are away?  Find yourself missing his loud snore on the other side of the bed? Can’t understand why you miss the big lug?  According to Esther Perel  and her discussion on Ted “couples are most drawn to their partners when they are apart or reunite.”  

Negotiating With Your In-laws

     Recently a friend talked to me about her issues with her MIL.  My friend explained that her mother-in-law insisted on seeing her grandkids every weekend. Her mother-in-law was not interested in what my friend or her husband had planned with the children.  Her mother-in-law would not even look at her – preferring instead to direct the comments and questions to her son.  Wow, was this familiar.  Having just experienced something similar I offered my advice. 

     I suggested she speak with her husband and come to an agreement on how family or “quality” time would be spent.  Obviously, this includes their children.  Talk about how to handle confrontations like the one she described in the future.  In the meantime, I suggested she ask her husband to speak with his mother about the way his wife was treated at that last visit.  Not with anger but with soft, gentle reasoning.  “He really only has two choices – either he addresses it directly with Mom or deals with the consequences when you address it”, I said.  Needless to say he chose to take the lead and speak with his mom.

     After his talk with Mama-Bear they all sat down to have a grown-up conversation. My friend acknowledged her in-laws concerns regarding time with the grandchildren.  She and her husband promised to make more of an effort to visit and agreed to sleepovers during summer breaks, when convenient to both parents and grandparents. The grandparents agreed to follow certain rules (junk food, bedtimes, and types of movies).  In today’s society most American families are of the two-income variety.  So, given the work schedules of both parents weekly visits are just not feasible. Both sides agreed to try to visit two weekend per month. My friend commented that she felt as if she were negotiating a business transaction.  I told her she was doing just that.  She was negotiating for a better relationship with her in-laws.  Her in-laws were negotiating too.  For more time with their grandchildren – for a chance to make memories.  Her husband was negotiating for peace between his “growing-up” family and his “grown-up” family.

     At this point my friends’ husband went on to do something I thought was really awesome.  He asked his parents to understand that the world has changed since they were parents.  This influences the parenting skills required in raising children in this new world.  He reminded them of the stories they would tell him as a child – of the added pressures they faced as a young couple from their own in-laws.  He asked them to recall how they sometimes felt as if it was “us against them”.  His parents nodded.  He then asked them both to take a good look at his wife, the mother of his children.  Then in silence he took his wife by the hand, squeezed firmly and looked at both his parents. They got the message.

What You Wish You Could Tell Your MIL - So, Why Don't You?

Do:

Compliment me - Send positive energy my way; put a hold on the negativity. There must be something I do right in your eyes. Focus on that and let things grow from there.

Accept me - I'm not you, I will never be you, I’m the person your son fell in-love with.  I am the woman your son chose to spend the rest of his life with and have his children.  You raised him, trust you did a good job.

Acknowledge me - I am the woman of this house. Your home is your castle, this one’s mine! Respect the decisions that are made in my home, remember you are a guest. If I ask you not smoke in my home, don’t. If my home is vegan, don’t harp on the lack of meat in your meal.  If I say our bedroom is off limits, hello – there’s the whole rest of the house to roam.

 

Don't:

Blame me – I am not responsible for what your son says or does (or doesn't); he’s an adult.  Maybe he has “changed” – maybe he’s growing as a husband. He has new responsibilities now.  He still loves you, I promise that will not change.

Talk about me – Please don’t go behind my back and discuss me with your son.  This puts him in the middle of the two women his loves most in the world.  Don’t push him to choose, his choice may surprise you.  Instead come straight to the source – me.  I welcome the chance to change your mind about me.

Stalk me – Stop calling or visiting several times a day; give me time to miss you.  This applies to everyone: friends, co-workers and my  family.  No one likes to be smothered.  Do you really want to star in an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond? One guess on your role.

Wake me – Calls after 11PM for non-emergencies, really?  What thoughts running through your mind whispered “It’s okay, call them.  They’ll want to chat”.  Bored? Read a book. Lonely? Roll-over, see him – that’s your husband, wake him up.

 

     I want to be your friend.  I want to welcome you into my home and my life with open arms.  Help me learn to be a good partner for your son.  Share your stories of lessons learned.  Help me include you in our family. Recall how lonely you might have felt the first year of your marriage.  Keep reminding yourself that you are a DIL, too.  You “stole” someone’s son, “changed” him. Honor your marriage by honoring mine.  Now if you’re ready, come on in.  The welcome mat is out – the coffee is ready.

Improve Your Confidence In 5 Easy Steps

      Ever notice how your body language changes at the mere thought of a visit with the in-laws?  Find yourself being sucked into an argument when two minutes ago everything was coming up roses? Show your in-laws you are confident in yourself and your marriage in 5 easy steps!

     Shortly after my marriage my husband commented that I had changed and was getting negative.  I took stock of myself and realized it was true.  I was letting my in-laws contaminate the water in my marriage well, mess with my Kool-Aid!  Now I make it my goal to use the tools below with every interaction. The result?  One happy - and so far - happy marriage. 

Maintain Eye Contact – Don’t look away from your in-laws during the visit.  This is not to say one must stare rudely.  Simply don’t give in to the temptation to look at every object in the room until they either change the subject or leave.  Don't let them know they make you uneasy.  Make an effort to look directly at them and appear interested in the conversation.  You might find out you share a common interest, hobby or belief. Let yourself be open to a pleasant surprise.

Uncross Those Arms! – Have you ever noticed how quickly the mood changes once someone crosses their arms?  This can signal disinterest or defensiveness to those in the room.  Let your in-laws know you welcome their presence instead of bracing for a fight.

Smile – Stop before you react poorly to a comment or suggestion by your in-laws.  Think about something funny or happy.  A smile can be contagious –watch as others slowly begin to perk up and crack one of their own.  This also has the benefit of leaving your in-laws with a confused look on their faces.  They expected a direct hit and instead found you wearing your in-law armor. Your smile!

Be True To Yourself – Don’t put yourself down.  Review your good qualities – go ahead give yourself permission to know you’re wonderful, beautiful and smart. Notice how others will pick up on this and the mood in the room may go from gloom to glam!

Be quiet! – Before you respond to that nasty comment take a moment to consider the consequences.  Is it worth ruining the rest of your day?  Silence can mostly be your most effective weapon.  It gives you time to properly consider your response.  It shows your husband you’re not the one picking the fight.  It shows your in-laws you are in charge of you. They do not have the power to get a rise out of you. Do not give them access to your buttons.  After all, it’s what your parents are for!

 

 

 

 

 

 

3 Easy Ways To Improve Your In-law Relationship

Be clear about your expectations of privacy as a couple.  Let your in-laws know you expect prior notification of their visits – no unannounced visits. I call them drop-bys – a short visit that is painful where the victim is left hurt and emotionally mangled and ends with the perpetrators driving away.

Vacation and In-laws, Really?

     Ever had your in-laws try to go on your honeymoon?  Have they shown up just as your pulling out of your driveway conveniently packed and ready to join you on your vacation?  Or are you what I refer to as the “lucky few” – those who get along with your in-laws.  Either way here is some advice on how to save your family vacation. 

Prioritze Your Marriage Not Your In-laws

     Do you find yourself spending most of your married life trying to please your in-laws?  This is a mistake - in your relationship with your spouse and your in-laws.  Prioritize your marriage.  By doing so you send a signal to your in-laws that while I would like to have a good and loving relationship with you, my spouse comes first.  The result might surprise you. 

Feng Shui For In-laws

  I first discovered Feng Shui in the 1990’s. I use it to improve the many aspects of my life: professionally and personally.  I am not alone. This concept of balancing the energy of your life is very popular across the world.  I will briefly explain how to apply it to your relationships.

How To Teach Your In-laws

     You teach others how to treat you.  It’s true.  Your mother-in-law talks happily about your husband’s ex and ignores you, you get mad.  You just taught your mother-in-law how to get you upset.  Your father-in-law makes last minute plans he expects you to accommodate – and you do.  You just taught your father-in-law he can impose on your time.

Manage Your In-laws Save Your Marriage

     Your in-laws ask if they can babysit. They promise to follow any guidelines you as parents have set. You don’t have many – no candy, no junk food and nap time. Hours later you return only to find your child awake, face covered in chocolate, sitting on grandma’s lap as both smile innocently. 

Is More Time Apart Good For Your Relationship

     I recently read a statement online made by a Relationship Expert which suggested spending more time apart was good for your marriage.  It was an interesting piece with some overall good advice.  However, I have to disagree with the concept of spending more time apart.  While I don't suggest couples spend all their spare time together too much separation can lead to additional problems in the marriage. 

In-law Advice

These bits of advice are based on well-known quotes or just good advice I have received.  I believe they hold much weight and can be applied to all relationships:

 

-Beware the relative that shares a little too much too quickly. Unless you are one of the lucky few that marries into that wonderful in-law family we all dream of, take heed. This is the relative that will try to gain your confidence by pretending to share intimate details pertaining to themselves or that of other family members. Their goal is to learn just enough about you and your relationship with your spouse. Just enough to sabotage it!

 

In-law Advice

-Set boundaries or as I like to say, “Keep yourself to yourself”. What I mean is no matter what category of in-law you’re in, your extended family does not need to know everything. You and your spouse need to be in agreement about what topics are off-limits for discussion outside of the bubble.