Be clear about your expectations of privacy as a
couple. Let your in-laws know you expect prior
notification of their visits – no unannounced visits. I call them drop-bys
– a short visit that is painful where the victim is left hurt and emotionally
mangled and ends with the perpetrators driving away.
Are their
questions inappropriate or personal ? Let them know that you appreciate the
closeness they must feel if they are comfortable asking such questions.
However, as a couple you decided your marital issues or concerns stay between the
two of you. You feel good knowing that if and when you need them they’d be
there.
If your in-laws offer advice, thank them. One of
the top ten hot buttons in my view is advice with the children. Until you have proof to the contrary, assume
(yes – I said assume never mind what it may make you!) they are coming from a
good place. Thank them and let them know
you appreciate their advice. This
reminds them that you are the parents. I
found it also helps to take a moment and reflect. Would you be so upset with the same advice if
it came from your parents? My situation
is a classic case of North versus South.
What my in-laws say may not be what I hear or what they are trying to
get across. I am used to more direct
lines of communication whereas my in-laws tend to imply or insinuate. They use in-lawisms: “Honey, I don’t mean no
harm by it…” A clear indication to me that the next few words will certainly be
offensive to me, my husband and our marriage.
Sometimes their attempts to offer advice feels like indirect fire and results
in a direct strike to my ego! I take a deep breath, count to ten, think of the
same advice coming from my parents then decide how to approach it from there. It
may be a case of conflicting communication styles.
Forgive. I’d like to say and forget – but who are we
kidding? Again, remember that sometimes comments or actions are not meant to
hurt. It can simply be a case of good intentions gone wrong. "People often don't realize that what
they're doing is hurting someone," says Beverly Freid, the creator of Motherinlawstories.com. You may never get your in-laws to own up to
their part of a poor relationship if you don’t bite the bullet, step up and be
the bigger person. In the beginning of
my marriage I made a point of letting my husband and the rest of his family witness
me repeatedly hold out the olive branch, consistently respond to my in-laws clearly
but respect, and attempt to set boundaries on my own. Once it became clear “I want or expect…”
needed to become “We want or expect…” to effect any kind of positive change I
recruited my husband. I logically
reviewed things with him while remaining sensitive to the fact that this was
more of an emotionally review for him. They
were his parents – Mom and Dad, his hero’s.
At this point it’s worth
repeating that the support of your spouse is important. Your spouse is your biggest asset in this
journey to repair your in-law relationship.
Without it nothing will get better, there cannot be real change. It will be an endless cycle of hurt
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