Got Jokes? : Relationship Humor

A short collection of family relationship jokes:

 

HOW many mothers-in-law does it take to change a light bulb? One. She just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around her. – I Am Staggered

My MIL Translated - What MIL's Really Mean

MIL Says:     I just love that color on you!

MIL Means: You look like a banana.

MIL Says:     It sure is lively in this house.

MIL Means: These kids are out-of-control little animals.

Are You A Country Wife - Checklist

You know you’re a country wife:  

The Day Google Stopped Turning

     The majority of Americans drudged off to fight that Wednesday morning traffic while making their way to work today.  They were for the moment unaware of the horror that faced the rest of us.  Those of us that sit in our pj’s drinking hot coffee as they try not to spill it in the car.  Those of us that Tweet as they trek.  Those of us that Like as they load themselves up for car-pool.  Google was down. 

     Where were you when the Google world stopped turning?  The day Google stood still?  Searching for the next best topic to blog about?  Trying to check your e-mail? Maybe you were checking to see how many folks are following you today. Chances are this is a day we’ll be chatting about for quite a while.  There will finally be some new jokes that don’t mention Congress – well, okay not so sure about that one.  At the very least you can be sure someone will tie it in with Y2K.

     Confused parents suddenly found themselves with children trying to bond.  Office workers actually had to – gasp – work!  Twitter saw an increase in activity as panic set in at the inability to access Gmail, check blogs and chat with others brought some to the realization they may actually have to communicate in person.  Scary thought eh?  Hands were shaking as the withdrawal pains began.  How long will it take to fix?  Can it be fixed? Oh the agony! Must Google now, must search now, can’t take this much longer!

     Beads of sweat began to roll.  The clock ticked louder and louder as we waited.  Waited to know what happened.  Pondered what brought this Goliath down.  The only clue was the cute little Error 502 page asking us to try back in 30 seconds.  

      As for me, I took this time to perform household chores: laundry, sweep, mop and walk dogs.  I read a book, watched t.v., put the laundry away and looked out at my perfect country view. That took about one hour.  What to do what to do. Visit the in-laws – negative.  Call my sisters – negative.  Study – big negative.  Tick, tick, tick. Ho-hum.    

     Finally, a little after 1PM we all got some news – “The problem with Google Mail should be resolved.”  We wiped our brows, let out our collectively held breaths and sipped some more coffee. It’s all good. Nothing to see here people.

What I Learned From My Mom (Helps Me Survive My In-laws)

     Every child learns from their mother. They learn to be gentle or harsh, to be cruel or kind, to be funny or somber. I learned a lot from my Mom about the mother-child relationship that I am sure she’d like me not to share. On that note, here I go!

• The school nurse will call me if you’re sick, you’re not going to make me look bad by messing up your attendance record.
• What’s for dinner? Food. Now sit down!
• Go to your room and study. (minutes later) What are you doing in there? Go watch your brother!
• If you fall down and break your legs, don’t come running to me!
• Don’t look at me with that face.  I gave it to you, I’ll take it away young lady!
• You hurt yourself where? Let me see (SWAT!). Next time I tell you not to run, you’ll listen!
• Close your mouth – now eat!
• If I knew you’d be such a pain, I’d have closed my legs when I gave birth to you.
• Your father gave me all of you – so no, if I had to it all over again I wouldn’t marry him.
• If you make me late for church, I’ll kill you.
• Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I covet those ladies kids. Is He okay with a trade?
• Why did I have children? You tell me – you missed a spot.
• You only got an A? You were talking in class again weren’t you?
• Wait til your father gets home. So I can slug him for giving me you.
• You’re just like your father. Don’t smile, I can’t stand him either.
• What am I looking for? My receipt, I’m returning you – product does not function as advertised.

 

     Before the outcries of child abuse begin let me just point out that my Mom was the original Roseanne. Sure there were tears in my home – we weren’t the Brady Bunch either. But mostly there were laughs. There were one-liners. There were spit your food out, side splitting times. 

     Growing up and even now we have a tradition of reviewing the course of our day as a family. We try to see who has the funniest joke of the day.  The funniest story about work or school that day. Folks would come into my home at their own risk. My mother would be just as likely to hand you a bag of trash as a glass of iced tea to drink. She’d be just as likely to quote from the Bible (her parents were deacons) as to slug another kids mom cause he took my skateboard. What?  I was four he was twelve, how was that fair?

     What I learned from my Mom is life is going to have a lot of messed up moments. If you don’t have a sense of humor, you won’t make it through the day let alone the rest of your life.  I keep this mind when I come home and find another box of goodies my husband brought home (a.k.a mess). When my dogs decide to bark in unison with the chicken – all morning long. When my neighbors think it’s a good idea to set off fire crackers all night – nope not on the Fourth of July. When I look at my paycheck lately. Why I get my tax bill. When I visit my in-laws.  Why my in-laws visit me. When I think of my in-laws. Get the picture?

Thanks Mom!

Fireworks and In-laws: DIL Anthem!

Well I seemed all right by dawns early light

Though I was a little worried and weak

I  tried to pretend I wasn't goin' again

But hubby done handed me the keys

The twins were only four years old that summer

And it always seemed like they wouldn’t just “stay!”

So I drove us all down to my MIL’s house

On Independence Day

Laugh Past In-law Conflicts

     When things get tough with your in-laws you may find it easier to take it out on your spouse. After all they are not your parents.  Don’t fall into this vicious cycle. Instead try to see the lighter side of the situation.  Choose to strengthen your marriage and weaken the hate of your in-laws. As a child your parents might  have given you advice like:  picture someone in their underwear and don’t let a bully win by letting them get in the way of your good day. Guess what? Your in-laws are your bullies.

The Bitter Limits

There is something with the world around you.

Feel free to adjust to madness around you.

They are controlling your life.

Remember that ...

...T.V. show with the cranky dad that misspoke his words? Well, that is called Malapropism (for an old lady-type character that mispronounced her words).

Have you spent years hearing words like these misused by your in-laws and fought hard to keep a straight face?