How To Teach Your In-laws

     You teach others how to treat you.  It’s true.  Your mother-in-law talks happily about your husband’s ex and ignores you, you get mad.  You just taught your mother-in-law how to get you upset.  Your father-in-law makes last minute plans he expects you to accommodate – and you do.  You just taught your father-in-law he can impose on your time.

     Recently, my mother-in-law looked at my husband and asked him why he doesn’t come over every Sunday for dinner.  She pointed out that he and his brother always used to come home for dinner.  I noticed how uncomfortable this questioning was making my husband. His response was that they were home for dinner because they were both teenagers living at home.  They had no jobs.  He reminded her that he was a grown man now with responsibilities. He visits them at their home when he can and he sees them weekly at their place of business.

     My mother-in-law continued to press the matter. She went so far as to ask him in a hurt voice what they as parents did that would keep him away.  My husband repeated his earlier statements.  Like a child my mother-in-law kept repeating “why, why”. 

     Tired of being ignored, tired of seeing my husband being the target of my mother-in-laws latest attempt at controlling behavior, I interrupted.  I commented that his work hours are long. I informed her that he gets home late almost daily. As a consequence we typically have dinner, spend about thirty minutes of “quality time” and go to bed.  Weekends are spent trying to catch up on chores at home and couple bonding.  Wouldn’t you know she continued to ignore me. Looking directly at my husband as if I hadn’t said a word asked him for what seemed to be the millionth time “why”.  I responded by saying, “You know, he has already answered your question as have I.  We apologize if the answers are not what you were hoping to hear. We will not however, apologize for how we live our lives. He is home for dinner, our home.” My mother-in-law dropped the matter, the subject was changed and we parted with polite smiles all-around.

     So, how did I teach my mother-in-law?  I taught her by not allowing her to exclude me from this conversation that so plainly concerned our marriage. I taught her by not allowing her to get me upset. I taught her by reminding her that her son was now my husband. There was no need for harsh words. No need for anger. No need for raised voices. The message was sent and received. Whether or not it will be accepted is not in my hands. 

     Teaching your in-laws means teaching yourself.  Having in-laws is a daily exercise in patience and perseverance.  Be patient with yourself as you learn to be an in-law. Be patient with your spouse as he or she learns to cut the cord. Be patient with your in-laws as they learn to let go. It won’t be easy. You will not always be successful at your attempts. That’s okay. The key is to keep trying. As long as you keep trying your spouse will appreciate the effort. Remember you are not defined by how your in-laws see you.  You are defined by how you choose to relate with your in-laws.