Negotiating With Your In-laws

     Recently a friend talked to me about her issues with her MIL.  My friend explained that her mother-in-law insisted on seeing her grandkids every weekend. Her mother-in-law was not interested in what my friend or her husband had planned with the children.  Her mother-in-law would not even look at her – preferring instead to direct the comments and questions to her son.  Wow, was this familiar.  Having just experienced something similar I offered my advice. 

     I suggested she speak with her husband and come to an agreement on how family or “quality” time would be spent.  Obviously, this includes their children.  Talk about how to handle confrontations like the one she described in the future.  In the meantime, I suggested she ask her husband to speak with his mother about the way his wife was treated at that last visit.  Not with anger but with soft, gentle reasoning.  “He really only has two choices – either he addresses it directly with Mom or deals with the consequences when you address it”, I said.  Needless to say he chose to take the lead and speak with his mom.

     After his talk with Mama-Bear they all sat down to have a grown-up conversation. My friend acknowledged her in-laws concerns regarding time with the grandchildren.  She and her husband promised to make more of an effort to visit and agreed to sleepovers during summer breaks, when convenient to both parents and grandparents. The grandparents agreed to follow certain rules (junk food, bedtimes, and types of movies).  In today’s society most American families are of the two-income variety.  So, given the work schedules of both parents weekly visits are just not feasible. Both sides agreed to try to visit two weekend per month. My friend commented that she felt as if she were negotiating a business transaction.  I told her she was doing just that.  She was negotiating for a better relationship with her in-laws.  Her in-laws were negotiating too.  For more time with their grandchildren – for a chance to make memories.  Her husband was negotiating for peace between his “growing-up” family and his “grown-up” family.

     At this point my friends’ husband went on to do something I thought was really awesome.  He asked his parents to understand that the world has changed since they were parents.  This influences the parenting skills required in raising children in this new world.  He reminded them of the stories they would tell him as a child – of the added pressures they faced as a young couple from their own in-laws.  He asked them to recall how they sometimes felt as if it was “us against them”.  His parents nodded.  He then asked them both to take a good look at his wife, the mother of his children.  Then in silence he took his wife by the hand, squeezed firmly and looked at both his parents. They got the message.