In-laws And Step-children: What Now?

     On the day I said “I do” I inherited not only a husband but in-laws and step-children. Step-children from more than one ex-wife. That’s right, I am wife number three. I told my husband once, “Strike three and you’re out! Of the marriage game, that is.” So this is the story of my one, my only great love and the baggage he brought with him.  This is the nightmare of having step-children and in-laws determined to end your story before it truly begins.

     My step-children ran the spectrum (from pre-schooler to pre-teen) when I married my husband.  Perfect ages to be influenced by their mothers and grand-parents against the evil step-mother. That would be me in case you missed it.  Sigh. Is there nothing worse than adults that use children to do their nasty deeds – but I digress.

     Enter into my life baby-mama drama. Daily calls, texts and e-mails advising my soon to be husband of the many reasons he should not marry me. How my  marriage would affect them – not the children, them!  Enter the in-laws who took me aside and told me why I should re-consider marrying their son. You read correctly. My in-laws were bad mouthing their own son to me.  Reverse psychology?  Well, I was determined not to be sucked in.  After all this was his baggage, his children, his exes and his parents.  I would come to find out just how wrong I was about it all. 

     I discovered if we did not set boundaries with all of them our marriage would be doomed from the start.  I sat my husband down and explained how I was feeling and what I wanted to do about it.  Not wanting to create conflict or “rock the boat” he was a bit hesitant at first.  We came up with talking points for each group: in-laws, children and exes.  We set-up a system for how to run our own household which we would visit every three months to review in regards to our finances, chores, etc. 

     We began by meeting with his parents. We set boundaries with regards to their negative talk about their son to me (or anyone).  I would not accept them bad mouthing him; by disrespecting him they were disrespecting me. I would not be disrespected.  We set boundaries with regards to his children.  We would expect not to be contradicted in front of the children.  If they had any concerns over how their father and I decided to handle a situation, that would be discussed offline. The children would not be pumped for information on what was going our home. If your questions are inappropriate to ask us, by default they’re inappropriate to ask the children.  Any rules or expectations we have for the children are made jointly by me and my husband and are not to be undermined.  Next the children were advised about similar boundaries. Of course we did this in age appropriate ways for each child. The children were advised that anything coming from me was supported by their father. There was no point in going to him behind my back or throw tantrums. We reviewed some other basic rules we felt would help to make this family work. We found our combined military experience useful in managing and enforcing these rules.   

     Lastly, I spoke individually with each ex and helped them see the light.  My marriage did not affect them – it affected the children. There would be no more calls, texts or e-mails unless something urgent was happening with the children.  No more pumping my in-laws for information in exchange for visits with the grand-children.  No more calls to the children during their visits to find out what recent purchases we made.  I realize most relationship experts would disagree, however I made it clear that their behavior determined the level of interaction we would have with the children. I don’t believe in children being in the middle of adult conflicts and it was clear the exes were determined to keep putting them there. Therefore the more inappropriate the exes acted the less overnight visits we had. Instead, the children would be taken out to movies, visit with paternal family, meal then home. I realize everyone’s situation different so this may not be good in your marriage.  However, we came to see a correlation between the children’s overnight visits and the negative behavior demonstrated by their moms.  Sad but true.

     The result?  Years into our marriage I can honestly say our system been challenged. We have met with dissention within the ranks. We’ve had to review, revise and issue frago’s to our orders.  We have also managed to make our home a sanctuary from all the drama of a blended family.  As I write this my husband is out fishing with my step-son.  His mom?  Now totally supportive of our dynamic. Yes, she calls or texts her son at least once a day to check up on him – but what mother wouldn’t. See, in any healthy relationship support is mutual.