Hold The Mayo Please

   I recently read a post on Thoughts From Paris called Six Weeks Of No Shampoo written by D.J. Paris (Follow Him on Twitter). He chronicles his attempt to use natural methods of “shampooing” versus the use of a commercial product for six weeks. Reading it brought back memories of my childhood which I am sure other women have experienced in one way or another.  So in typical fashion I’ve decided to share.

A skinny, awkward little girl sits in a chair in her mother’s kitchen.  A large towel wrap around her shoulders to protect her clothes.  Her mother becomes increasingly agitated as the young girl wiggles around in the chair.  Her mother holds up a big hair brush and threatens the girl with it – “I swear if you move one more time I will bop you!” The girl knows her mother means it and holds still as yet another glob of mayonnaise gets slathered, combed and brushed through her hair.

     Mayonnaise people! A natural conditioner or so I was repeatedly told. Natural? Let’s see, it comes in a jar on which is listed as an ingredient Calcium Disodium EDTA.  Whatever.  All I know and all that haunts me even more than the hair treatment itself was what happened afterwards.  Hair which I am up to this very day convinced attracted every fly in these United States. Not to mention the embarrassment of having to run errands while wearing big curlers and a goofy head wrap – smelling of mayo.

      Oh, the years I could’ve spent of the couch of a p-sychiatrist (too many Bugs Bunny episodes, sorry). Instead I vowed to myself that I would never torture another soul in this fashion. No, you will never find me putting Baby Oil or Vaseline on a child’s shoes to make them shiny – it only attracts dust. I will never treat a burn with a poultice of salt and butter – come on, really?  Cayenne pepper will not be used as part of a cough syrup – ouch! You will never, ever catch me putting mayo in anyone’s hair!

     Don’t get me wrong. Many home remedies and treatments work. I am all for a cup of hot green tea with lemon and honey to soothe a sore throat.  Epsom salts in a bath to soothe achy muscles – check!  Mustard poultice for painful chest congestion – Roger that! I am all for this and more my friends. I simply ask for adults everywhere to consider a child’s frail ego and easily ruined reputation. After all, it can take an entire summer for a kid to live down Mom and Dad’s good intentions.

     As for my hair, I’m okay with pretty little bottles filled with perfumed shampoo and conditioner. Give me a nice, comfortable chair at a chic salon with a hairstylist that can’t or won’t pronounce my name correctly.  I welcome mayo – on my sandwich, please.